We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
