i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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