So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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