why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
