She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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