You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
