why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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