You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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