i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
