I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
