WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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