It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
