i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
