Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize