The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
