Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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