Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
