Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
