The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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