I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
