and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
