i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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