I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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