??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
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