Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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