this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You ruined the universe
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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