I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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