as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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