Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
