at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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