I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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