I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
