Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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