Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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