Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
