Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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