Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
