Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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