I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
