ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
