is your mom at the bar?
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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