I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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