I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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