i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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