He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
