I wish I could punch you in the face.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
