my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize