Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
