when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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