How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
