Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize