Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
