The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
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