he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
