Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize