I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
He kissed a someone with a penis
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
