From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
