and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
