now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Mom said you looked used
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
