can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
