he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
